Surviving Uncle Sarcasm
Navigating family holiday gatherings can be tricky. You have to be sure to admire your Aunt Gretta’s scarf, remember to avoid talking about your cousin’s recent job change, and always compliment your mother-in-law on her cooking. For parents of children with high functioning autism (HFA), not only do you have to navigate your own social norms, but you’re also constantly on the lookout for social distressers for your child. Sarcasm is especially hard for kids with HFA. They often think the person is serious, leading to awkward or upsetting emotions for all involved. This results in you, the parent, running interference and feeling pressure to “right the ship”, which is exhausting and stressful.
Instead of having your child avoid quirky Uncle Joe, this year empower your child with the ability to better understand sarcasm resulting in a more enjoyable time for all.
Gather examples. Compile real-life or video illustrations of sarcasm, ideally 20 or more.
YouTube is great for this, but be sure they are age-appropriate. Shows such as The Golden Girls, Big Bang Theory, and Parks and Rec all have many examples. Disney movies, including The Lion King, Toy Story, and Finding Nemo also include a bit of sarcasm. Search YouTube, watch without your child to ensure it’s age-appropriate, then save the links to a document for easy access later.
If your family is often sarcastic, write down examples that have popped up lately.
Teach and clarify. Explain to your child what sarcasm is and that they’ll be practicing finding it in video clips or in conversations.
“You know how Uncle Joe and others often say things you don’t understand? I know we’ve talked about it before, but this year, I want to try something a little different. We’re going to be practicing sarcasm in hopes of making it easier to understand. Sarcasm is when someone says something, but they often mean the opposite. it can either be funny or mean, which is why it’s so hard to tell the difference.”
Model and practice. Present the clip or statement to your child, help them identify what was sarcasm, what the implication actually was, and what helped them reach that conclusion.
Example: While looking at the empty plate sitting in front of a child at dinner, “It’s a shame you weren’t hungry.”
Sarcasm: the statement about them not being hungry.
True meaning/implication: the child was really hungry.
What clues helped: the child ate everything on the plate indicating they were hungry.
Mix it up. After they are able to identify sarcasm fairly well, begin to include examples that do NOT include sarcasm. For instance, read a scenario/show the clip with only serious/factual statements and ask them to identify sarcasm. At first, they may be confused and you’ll have to explain there wasn’t any, which is okay. After practicing a few times, they will be able to identify the difference.
Capture real-life examples. Whenever sarcasm is used in your child’s presence (within your family, at the store, while you’re watching tv), be sure to point it out and ask your child what the true implication actually was and why they think that. If they answer incorrectly, ask open-ended questions and help guide them to the answer (i.e., “Do you think they would have eaten all of their food if they weren’t hungry?”). Praise all correct responses.
Praise! Praise! Praise! This is a new skill for your child - it is super important you praise like crazy as they are practicing, but even more so when you see them do this on their own throughout the day. Enthusiastically tell them exactly what you liked when they did so.
“I am so impressed you understood your brother was being sarcastic AND you knew what he was actually meaning when he said that! That’s awesome!!”
There are a lot of challenges when navigating family gatherings, but by providing practice and feedback, sarcasm doesn’t have to be one of them.
Have fun researching sarcastic video clips on YouTube! Not only will you be smiling as you do it, but you’ll be smiling in the future when your child gets them, too.
This is part of our “Thriving Through the Holidays” series.
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