Battle of the Cousins
Your child is incredible. They are loving, funny, and light up your day. Sure, they have their quirks, but that’s part of what makes you love them so much. However, you know not everyone feels the same way and you’re worried about how all the holiday gatherings will go. With so many cousins, neighborhood kids, and family friends at each event, you may be dreading the inevitable blowups that will occur.
While there are no guarantees how cousin Veruca will behave, you can feel empowered this year by putting the following few steps into action.
First, you must decide what you will focus on. Pick a common social situation that results in your child melting down with others. Perhaps it's being required to share a toy, disagreeing over their favorite topic, or no one wanting to play the same game.
Explain the social skill and why it’s important to your child. Remember: your child’s view on what is important is likely going to be different from yours.
“With all the holiday parties coming up, I want us to discuss the importance of calmly disagreeing with others. Remember last year we had to leave early because you were so upset? You were having fun with your cousins, but then one of them said a certain video game was the best which upset you? You were so angry and wouldn’t let it go. This year, we want to stay and have as much fun as possible, so we’re going to be practicing this over the next few weeks.”
Model the skill, then have your child demonstrate with you providing feedback. Make this fun and provide so much praise!!!
While pretending to be the different characters from Willy Wonka, you show the proper way to respond when someone says something you completely disagree with, “I hear that you think black licorice is the best, but I disagree and think strawberry is the best. You can have all the black licorice you want, I’ll stick with my strawberry.” Take turns so your child can practice their response to you disagreeing with something you know your child loves. Be sure to praise them like crazy as they practice this skill! Enthusiastically tell them exactly what you liked about their response: “I really like how you remained calm and nicely said you disagreed with me about my favorite comic book! I know that was hard for you as you really love comics.”
Keep practicing at home, across settings and situations, leading up to the gathering. Be sure to practice often, always keep it fun and interesting.
Perhaps one day you disagree about the weather (you say it’s warm when it’s snowing) and your child needs to respond appropriately. Or the next day you say something silly like why a dinosaur would make a great pet and your child has to respectfully disagree. As you’re driving home and they’re telling you how gross school lunch is, disagree and tell them they’re wrong - coach them through how to respond appropriately.
Praise! Praise! Praise! This is a new skill for your child - it is super important you praise like crazy as they are practicing, but even more so when you see them do this on their own throughout the day. Enthusiastically tell them exactly what you liked when they did so.
“I overheard your sister tell you she thought the show you were watching was boring. You didn’t freak out, but instead, you said, ‘OK, I like it, but thanks.’ Way to go!!!!!”
As your child demonstrates success with the original skill, feel free to add on another one implementing all the same steps. The more practice - and the more praise - the better!
Instead of coming up with excuses of why your family can’t attend the holiday party, spend time over the next few weeks practicing a few simple skills so you can sit back and enjoy the gathering.
Have fun!
This is part of our “Thriving Through the Holidays” series.
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