A Quick Way to Minimize Arguing
Our boys were really excited for lunch - they were getting peanut butter and jelly, which they don’t get a lot of. They were running into the kitchen yelling, “Thank you, mommy!” when suddenly, it was as if they hit a force field and bounced into a different reality. “I don’t want oranges!!!” “I want them how daddy cuts them!” “I don’t like those!” They went from being ecstatic to devastated in .02 seconds. I tried calmly telling them that oranges taste the same regardless of how they are cut, but you can’t reason with young minds. To them, the world was ending. That’s when I shifted gears. I didn’t say another word, grabbed two more plates from the cabinet, transferred their sandwiches off the original ones, gave the boys the oranges, and calmly stated, “You can get your sandwiches once the oranges are gone,” and walked away. Wouldn’t you know, they ate those oranges in record time with no more complaints. Huh.
My internal celebration when those oranges were gone quickly & quietly.
This may seem like trickery or that I got lucky, but it’s science. Arguing with your kids is exhausting, but there is hope for you (and me!)! I’m going to teach you a simple trick we nerdy folk call “Premack Principle,” otherwise known as “Grandma’s Rule.” This nifty little tool lets you use what motivates your child to your advantage (in morally, ethically appropriate means, of course). Your grandma always said you must eat your vegetables before getting dessert. It's the same idea: If you know your child loves to play video games, tell them they only get to play once their homework is done (and done well). “First, do your homework to the best of your ability, then video games.” Your child wants to go swimming with a friend, but their room is a disaster. “Clean first, then swim.”
This technique works in various situations including the above, getting ready for school quickly without complaining, Facetiming with grandparents when they prefer talking to friends, brushing teeth before bed, and so many more.
Truthfully, if your child has high motivation for something, quickly think of anything you want/need them to do, and you can quickly use Grandma’s Rule.
If your 5-year-old wants you to help build Legos, be sure to have him sign all of his class Valentines first (we may or may not have implemented this exact contingency recently). If your child wants a cookie for a snack, have them eat some carrots beforehand. When they need help getting their snow gear on for the gazillionth time, tell them they first have to put away their laundry. If your morning routine is a struggle, see if you can rearrange it to put the most motivating activities at the end, only after they get ready quickly. By using the Premack Principle, you’re going to see a huge decrease in your stress level.
Ready to see a change in your home? Put these steps into place:
Think of some recent arguments you have had with your child. What were they about? What did they want/not want to do?
Think of some of their most preferred activities (toys, games, books, phone, etc.).
Can you use any of the preferred things to increase the likelihood of your child completing the less preferred behavior, such as eating vegetables?
When thinking about these preferred activities/items, you must ensure your child can’t access that item for any other reason than completing the undesirable task. For instance, if your teen has access to their phone all day, they likely aren’t going to clean their room to get it. You need to choose something highly motivating that you control. Perhaps they really want to hang out with their friends this weekend, so you tell them their room has to be cleaned and all chores are done before heading out.
Once you come up with this contingency, simply state the “First, Then” to your child and walk away. Prepare for them to be upset, especially if they are used to getting what they want without “working” for it. Even if they get upset, whatever you do, do not engage. Just calmly say, “First ____, then you can ____.”
The most critical component of implementation is following through. If you present the contingency, you must follow through. If your child has to do their homework quickly and correctly (no shortcuts) to get candy, that is the only way they can earn candy. If they access candy or something sweet for another reason, then the contingency for homework will be ineffective. Similarly, if adults were given money for no reason, many would have less motivation to work.
